feng_shui_house | An Asperger's Guide to Neurotypicals

An Asperger's Guide to Neurotypicals

Chapter 1: Encountering a Neurotypical

Neurotypicals are blithely confident. One will frequently approach you and make eye contact even if you are not on intimate terms with them. This is not deliberate rudeness and it is best to disguise your natural feelings of intrusion and affront. If you can meet their eyes every few seconds, they will be more relaxed. It may be necessary to keep a silent count running in order to remember to do this at intervals of perhaps ten to twenty seconds. The more social the conversation the shorter the interval required. If the conversation verges on intimacy, constant eye contact may be needed. Remain calm. Remind yourself it will soon be over. Do not relax and think of other things regardless of the stress and the need to relieve it. Try to keep your soothing mechanisms (finger rubbing, etc.) unobtrusive. If you can maintain eye contact and your soothing mechanism does not involve your head, they will not even notice.

Actual physical contact may be initiated by the neurotypical. There may be no warning at all before you have your shoulder seized, your hand gripped, or your back clasped. You will of course respond instinctively with sensible withdrawal. With practice you will learn to make this withdrawal subtle. Neurotypicals do not closely observe such things. If at all possible immediately follow your withdrawal with a friendly smile (practice this expression in a mirror, and if possible, take photographs of yourself and compare them with photographs of neurotypicals smiling. The corners of the mouth must not only go up, they must widen. If you can get your eyelids to crinkle as well, this enhances the effect.)

Chapter 2: Creating a niche in the Neurotypical's mind

Neurotypicals' brains set things up in categories. This is not laziness, it's a survival characteristic intended to save energy. You can utilize this to your advantage by assessing the individual neurotypical and encouraging them to place you in a category that is beneficial to you. In general, they see other people as inferior, equal, or superior. Few of them have a category simply for 'different', therefore you need to decide which role you wish to play in order to achieve the smoothest relationship with this particular neurotypical. Once the role is established they will maintain it automatically, which will save you much effort in future dealings.

If the neurotypical is the nurturing type, then looking down and talking softly, and deferring to their opinions (or even asking their advice on unimportant subjects) will set you in their mind as 'inferior, requiring protection'.

If they are the aggressive type, then keeping close eye contact, talking in brief, to the point, sentences, with no digression (this is difficult, practice this with scripts in front of the mirror) and stating opinions firmly, without giving in, will establish you as 'equal, not to be badgered'.

If they are the laid-back type, then talking slightly faster, and impressing them with your knowledge on one of the areas of your specialization (being careful to time it so that no more than twenty seconds goes by without your pausing to allow them to speak- and being extremely cautious not to contradict at all or even to expand on what they are saying until they are clearly finished talking) may be sufficient to establish you as superior in at least your aspect of specialization.

This relationship is harder to maintain than the other two, because they may in future interactions tempt you towards volubility, which is usually seen as hostile.

Chapter 3: Conversational greetings with Neurotypicals

Neurotypicals are frequently illogical and often say things they do not mean. Again, this is instinct, and not a deliberate attempt to annoy. They will say such things as 'Hi, how are you doing?' This does not mean they are asking you a question. They will not welcome an honest answer. It is a social noise, meaningless, about on a par with a monkey grooming another for imaginary fleas. It is intended merely as a signal that they are not hostile and that they have both the time and the inclination to perform social interaction with you.

Suitable responses are noncommittal. Something such as 'Fine, how you are and the kids (wife/husband/pet)' is very good because it sets the next level of social interaction – 'I recognize your clan grouping and have supportive feelings'. This relaxes neurotypicals.

'Hangin' in there. How you doin?' or 'Ok, keepin' busy' (with no details given) or even 'Hi' (totally illogically non-responsive, yet it can serve as an adequate response) will work also, depending on the style of the neurotypical.

Remember at all times that neurotypicals can not conceive of the possibility of their social responses being 'wrong', therefore the responsibility of adjustment is all on your side.

Chapter 4: What to do when Neurotypicals become angry

Quite often your first indication that all is not going well will be the neurotypical walking away from you. Do not follow them. Do not speak to them further. Do not attempt to find out in what way you have offended. Not only are there far too many ways in which you may have fallen afoul of their rules (too much/too little eye contact, talking too loud, talking too long, overriding their speech to correct them are a few of the most common) but they would take the request for information as a further deliberate insult. They cannot imagine that anyone would not instinctively know all the social rules, therefore you must have been trying to make them angry. (Talking too loud unfortunately may occur when you are relaxed and excited and happy and think the conversation is going wonderfully. Neurotypicals perceive this as being shouted at- they do not realize that you cannot hear or feel the difference and are totally unaware of it. You may not even realize it after they've walked away. Sometimes you can feel a slight tightness in your throat, but not always.)

All you can do is replay the conversation in your mind to try to locate the point at which their expression changed, or they stopped talking. Neurotypicals' expressions are very complex, subtle and confusing, so this may not be helpful. Apologizing will be counterproductive as well (unless the person happens to be a superior, to whom a generic 'I'm sorry I offended you' may suffice.) Following the event, get out your workbook in which you have noted your conversational weaknesses and run scenarios through your mind, and possibly you will find the flaw, and can try to memorize it for future avoidance.

Chapter 5: When Neurotypicals catch you out with literalism

This is going to happen. Make up your mind not to apologize or explain. Saying that you have Asperger's Syndrome, a brain difference that causes you to behave atypically particularly in social matters, will not help.

Even well-educated neurotypicals who have heard about Asperger's Syndrome are unlikely to respond favorably to this. If they are friends and you've said it before, they can't understand why you repeat it. If they are strangers, they do not understand why you are telling them such intimate things (they do not understand the drive we have to communicate, to share, which is so often smothered). They may think you are telling them you are intellectually deficient, which they can see is not true, and therefore they will assume you are lying for whatever reason. They may have met Asperger's children or children with autism (Asperger's has points of similarity with autism, but it is not the same) and judging you by those standards, you almost certainly won't match (we vary enormously, particularly as adults with our individually developed coping mechanisms) and therefore they will consider you an attention-seeker, a hypochondriac, or a pathological liar.

Resist the tendency to tell the truth, the whole truth, and your reasoning. They do not wish to hear it. You do not have to lie (which is uncomfortable at best, and never convincing because we are not liars). Just say as little as possible.

If a doctor says, 'Can you hold your hand above your head?' and you automatically make the correct response 'Yes' without raising your hand, do not explain yourself. When you realize your error, or the doctor gives you a strange look and repeats the question that is not a question but an instruction, then chuckle and raise your hand. You will be thought to possess a poor sense of humor. That’s better than many of the alternatives.

Neurotypicals have many mechanisms set up to avoid speaking the literal truth in social interactions. Too much direct truth causes them to become hostile. Phrasing instructions as not-questions allows them to sidestep the issue of superior/inferior. We Asperger's simply work together, accepting each other as different but equal. If you want someone to raise their arm, the most logical thing to do is to ask them to raise their arm.

Chapter 6: When you don't pick up on silent Neurotypical signals

If you are in a group of Neurotypicals, and they are performing a group activity, you may logically ask your part in the activity. Very often you will be met with silence, and they will refuse to tell you, because to them it is so obvious that they see your question is an insult to their intelligence.

When this occurs, do not ask again. Make your best guess at the proper response (generally it will be either what most members of the group are doing, or the task that none of them are doing. You have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.)

Chapter 7: When you have to get away from Neurotypicals

On bad days, a little Neurotypical goes a long way. Look busy, very, very busy. Sometimes you can withdraw into a book while you are still physically in the Neurotypical group (this is considered very rude, but pressing your nerves to the shattering point and going into hysterics would be far worse.)

Lavatories can be useful retiring rooms, but only for limited times. Too long and not only will others require the facilities, but they will be concerned about your health. If, as is not uncommon among Asperger's, you are also Celiac, you may find yourself spending a great deal of time in the toilet.

(Concerning Celiac, the range of symptoms of gluten-intolerance is as wide as those of Asperger's. It is wise to look up the symptoms. If you have many of them most of the time, then you may benefit from a gluten-free diet, not only physically, but also in your social interactions. Gluten-reaction may make you more tense, interfere with concentration, and lessen your ability to deal with the stress of balancing on the tightrope of Neurotypical social requirements.)

Chapter 8: When a Neurotypical tells you to do something you can't do

Such as, 'Stop looking at your feet when you're going down stairs! They can take care of themselves!'

Don't make a fuss, just say 'No, I can't' and do what you must. Having fallen down one set of steps while trying to do it the Neurotypical way was enough for me.

Chapter 9: Summation and Affirmation

We vary greatly and few of us have the same set of difficulties with Neurotypical activities. There will be some tasks you will excel at, and even astound your Neurotypical acquaintances. Don't be smug. There are far too many things they take for granted, such as spatial perception perhaps, which you will have to work at very hard in order to achieve even minimal results by their standards.

Yes, you may be able to see patterns forming that they can't. You may be more verbal and have a vast vocabulary. You're not better, or worse, just different.

We are cats in a world full of dogs. We can learn to get along with them. We love them despite their very confusing and illogical ways and the fact that they may not see our emotions displayed and therefore think we don't have any. Remember always to take pride in being Asperger. We are not less, or flawed, or ill. We don't need to be cured.

We are the cats. We are proud. We are wonderful.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

quarryquest.livejournal.com

very impressive. I am dyslexic and bordering on being Aspergers (my mother jokingly calls it me being 'odd' but we know what it really is. I should pass this on to a few people to show them it.

From:

An Asperger's Guide to Neurotypicals

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