feng_shui_house

Written in 2001 for the adult B7 mailing list. I couldn't find it on the net, so I'm posting it here to add to the cliché meme links.

Technically speaking they're not 'drunk' but I figure it's some kind of intoxication.

Oh, Avon! I love you, I love you madly, dearly, passionately! Take me! Make me yours! Dayna hadn't been able to resist slipping Orac's key back in when no one was looking. Listening to the computer camping it up had been the most fun she'd had in weeks. She thought she'd turned the volume control down, but Orac's querulous, dirty old man's voice came out very clearly. She squeaked in surprise and pulled the key, backing away, trying to pretend she'd had nothing to do with it.

"I told you to keep Orac off!" Avon started to stride across the deck, but stumbled over the pile of green sand next to Vila and fell full-length on top of him. The sand got into the waistband of Avon's leathers as he tried to get up, hindered by Vila's hands on his groin. "Vila, have you gone insane!"

"Nobody loves me," Vila sniffled and held onto Avon, wrapping his sandy hands around Avon's waist, reaching up to caress bare skin and tweak nipples.

Avon hissed and his back arched as the sand slithered down inside his trousers with an incredibly erotic tingling, tickling sensation. "Vila!" He tried to get away from the suddenly multiply-appendaged thief, "VILA!" He took Vila by the shoulders and tried to shake some sense into him, but a shower of sand flew from Vila's hair and got into Avon's mouth. "Ack! Gack, awk!" Avon clutched at his throat dramatically and fell to the deck.

Vila yelled, "Avon!" and pulled him up to a sitting position with Vila behind him. He turned one fist inward and braced it with his other hand, then 'punched' Avon hard in the stomach.

"That's perverted," Dayna said, with interest.

"No, it's Heimlich," Soolin replied, bored.

Avon spewed a few sand particles and resumed breathing. Vila began undoing Avon's jacket.

"Stop," Avon said, but he didn't say it too loudly.

Vila pushed Avon flat on his back in a sandpile and continued stripping Avon's clothes off him, while lying on him and kissing him.

"That's perverted," Dayna said, hopefully.

"Not yet," Soolin replied, getting herself a cool drink.

Vila flipped Avon over and started kissing arse, while unzipping his own trousers to release a very red and eager-looking erection.

"That's perverted," Dayna said, firmly.

"Not on Eunich Three," Soolin informed her, rummaging around in her hair-products bin. She pulled out a tube of conditioner and shrugged as she read the label. "Never liked Mango-blossom, anyway," she said as she tossed the tube onto the deck beside Vila.

By this time, Vila was sticking his tongue inside Avon, who was writhing and telling Vila, "Yes! Yes, I trust you!"

Soolin blinked and said, "Perverted? Maybe. It definitely isn't sanitary." She shrugged and began spritzing more hair-spray on her 'do', getting a fair amount of the damp aerosol all around her. She didn't notice the little sizzle of fried sand, being more interested in Vila's technique.

"Good finger action," she told Dayna, but Dayna wasn't at her side anymore. She turned to see Dayna putting Orac's key back in place again.

"Orac! Avon's gone mad, and so has Vila!" Dayna cried.

Vila, who? Orac said, Avon, my love, my only, my technician with golden fingers, come, stroke my tarriel cells, bring me to ecstasy!

"Orac's mad, too," Soolin commented before fetching the bag of crisps she kept in her locker. She sat down where she could comfortably watch the Avon/Vila show. The conditioner seemed to be working quite well. The bubbles and pink froth were an unanticipated feature. Unique, to say the least. She munched on a chip.

"Orac!" Dayna was frustrated by the computer's refusal to stop spouting Avon's pulcritudinous praises, particularly as Vila was shouting similar things, only in delta. "Orac! Help me, Vila is raping Avon!" She picked up the computer and shook it. A cloud of sand flew out and caught her in the face. She breathed it in, sneezed, wheezed, and put Orac down on the deck. She collapsed across Orac, gasping. "Orac, oh Orac," she moaned. "I love you."

Orac buzzed for a moment, accepting new data, then replied, Stars will burn cold before our love dies, Dayna.

"Orac, love me, fulfill me." Dayna rubbed her cheek against the computer and began to cry. "No. Ours is an impossible love."

Not necessarily, my darling. Orac proceeded to tell her how to modify one of the clip-guns, and set it to activate on his command.

Soolin glanced away from the pink bubble-cloud surrounding the two moaning, groaning men, to see Dayna naked, sitting on top of Orac, with a clipgun braced inside the computer. The muzzle of the gun had been lengthened, and thickened, and given a coating of firmy-form plastic, Soolin noted as it disappeared between Dayna's thighs.

"Now, Orac! Now!" Dayna shouted.

Orac's lights pulsed in what looked like Ravel's 'Bolero' and Dayna began squirming and squealing with pleasure.

"Now, THAT'S perverted," Soolin murmured, and turned her chair a bit so she could watch all three of her crewmates at once. "Wish I had a box of chocolates."

--
Willa Shakespeare---The Bawd of Avon